28,698 plays

In the delivery room


mother: is it a boy or a girl?

doctor: *puts baby between teeth* it’s a metaphor


at my school there’s an english teacher and an american teacher and they always glare at each other and when they pass each other in the hallway the american teacher will say ‘good show governor’ or something and the english teacher will say ‘god bless the land of the free’ and both in terrible accents and like the whole school ships it

I’m sick of being defined by
needlessly petty things
like where I buy my clothes or if I drink coffee
I’ll get my shit out of the apartment
I’m not staying there any more
If this is going to be the good life
I’d rather live it poor.

I’m not by your side any more.
If you get in a fight and it’s late at night
my friend
you’re fucked
I’m not by your side any more

I’ll tie my shoes with one hand

while the other looks for my wallet
I found a coupon for half-price pizza
in my girlfriend’s jean’s back pocket
so I guess that’s dinner paid for a week